Review: ‘The Next Food Network Star’
The Next Food Network Star (Food Network) 
Baptism by Fire, Interesting Mix, Lack of Flay, Better Pulse
Yowsah! I would not want to be one of the Next Food Network Stars last night. I might rather be something a lot easier …. a skydiver using a reserve chute, Britney Spear’s publicity manager, a drug mule crossing the border, a cross-dresser locked up in a Southern jail, Bear Grylls drinking elephant dung in the Kalahari … Yeah, almost anything would have been easier I think than being a Next Food Network Star contestant on it’s opening night, last night.
Seriously — and maybe to the point of ridiculousness? — the ten (now nine) finalists were definitely given a baptism by fire. They were given the insane task of forming two person teams and then in a scant 30 minutes creating one dish each plus one team collaboration dish. Now wait! That’s just the obvious stuf. Let’s compound this intense pressure (they did) and recall that in addition to this the contestants: just got there, have no idea how the other person performs and have never been in that kitchen before. Ok, so that’s three dishes in 30 minutes. Nuts?
Totally nuts — especially when you compare that to what a seasoned Iron Chef goes through, namely: five dishes in 60 minutes with the help of two sous chefs all used to the kitchen. That’s right an Iron Chef has a much much easier time with having to complete 2.5 dishes within 30 minutes having a total of three people, not two, of whom both are skilled, experienced helpers who the head chef knows well. Oh and don’t forget the probably twenty years of culinary experience behind just the main chef, probably collectively with the two sous chefs it would be over forty years experience ….
What then did we get out of this competition? A few things. First, yes this running around insane makes for dramatic television. Obviously forced drama for drama’s sake because of the ridiculousness of the task. There’s no reason it couldn’t have been a slightly better 45 or a slightly more sane 60 minutes other than a) the judges didn’t want to sit for six hours and b) the point was to have them jump through hoops and make as many mistakes as possible — let the food suffer. And here we are at one of the elements that has made past seasons fail: when the amount of drama wins over the quality of the food. That is when all legitimacy is lost. I have to overall congratulate the contestants too — they did way way better than I would have thought it was humanly possible. Sincere and major kudos overall.
Back to the challenge: To use the analogy one more time, now having performed the cooking task at hand, an Iron Chef would then have to face three judges. The NFNS contestants on the other hand had to present their hastily-made concoctions to a table full of no less than nine, count them, nine Food Network heavyweights: two executives and seven stars — of which (yep, you guessed it) two of whom are actual Iron Chefs!! (Were I there I think I would have passed through the walls the way the do on the old cartoons where you leave behind the entire body impression and just ran for the nearest horizon. Really, I’ve seen submarines buckle under that kind of pressure!)
And if that wasn’t enough, for some crazy reason — maybe it was editing, I dunno — everyone at the table — the final judges, Alton, the Neelys, Giada De Laurentiis, Sandra Lee and Masaharu Morimoto — looked at the contestants as though they were either annoyed or going to pick a fight with them. I’m serious. I have never ever seen any of them individually like this. Collectively it was a scary sight. Really, I’ve seen bigger smiles on pall-bearers. So just what was that grimacing, tough-ass reception for? And if that really wasn’t the way it actually happened, then please tell me why they purposely edited the show in this manner? Really, is it to make our favorite stars a ton less likable to the general public? The reasoning behind this befuddles me.
Again, more questions come to mind: Why wasn’t this a scenario you should have on the last episode, not the first? No I don’t mean the angry faces, I mean having eight or ten top Food Network stars judging the contestants? Why have this for the very first challenge? If the idea was to say “we’re not pansys, we’re a grueling, serious contest show” then the message was sent and recieved. But tell me. a) was it worth showing America all your hosts can sport dour and nasty experssions? and b) so how you gonna top this in the finale, huh? Have 25 Food Network judges? Should be interesting to see if in 9 weeks time whether or not I’ll be pointing to this very first episode and saying how the show prematurely peaked or not. Guess we’ll see.
My big annoyance I had though — especially after all that promotion talk — was the “lack of Flay”. Bobby Flay supposedly is main host now, yet Alton Brown was the one showing the contestants around for each challenge. Alton also was among those who ate at the table, then disappeared at judging and Flay is suddenly back. This “tag team” crapola amounted to the very same feeling of inconsistancy that has plagued this show from it’s inception four years ago, where the viewer feels the show is “all over the place” and because of that one doesn’t feel that they know what they’re doing. The Flay as host scenario was supposed to eliminate this lack of continuity. Really, I’m telling you, this had better be fixed in future episodes or it will go from being a singular annoyance to a major reason to not watch. Remember as first show this is supposed to set the tone for the rest; right now it’s a discordant tone.
Next, a small peeve, but a peeve nonetheless: Nipa couldn’t find tumeric at the supermarket. I’m not surprised. Not every place carries it here in Philadelphia either. It’s very tough to find the right ingredients when doing more exotic dishes. Thing is, you’re the Food Network. You’re probably the best supplied food place any where on the North American contentinent. New York included. So why did you send folks shopping? And why didn’t you offer your vast — and I mean vast — reserves of product to them? Drama again? Doesn’t seem to work when probably two inches away from someone trying to make an Indian dish there is no doubt 50 lbs of tumeric sitting there. This is just one of those things that annoys me greatly — when the drama is put ahead of the food.
Hello! Are you the Food Network or the Drama Network? My answer to you: Do what you’re good at, do what you’re supposed to do and the rest will automatically follow. Your biggest problems, FN, all happen when when you forget this. Which is too often.
Now you might be thinking this is a bad review. Nope, it’s mixed. Just wanted to get the “bad” out of the way first. I think the challenge was beyond silly, beyond stupid and a dozen judges way too much for the first show. Alas, compared to other (reality) shows (on other networks) and similiar stupid things, I’ve seen a lot worse. The tumeric thing and the lack of Flay are both minor if held within to a one-show event; should they become like this throughout the series these kind of things could be a series killer. For now they aren’t — not yet.
Moving on to the more positive points. Yes there was drama, albeit too forced at times. The mix of contestants do have me interested. Happily, many there, if not all, seem to already understand the need to have their own culinery point of view. They come more aware of themselves and more aware of what is needed than the groups in seasons before this. Whew! A much needed change. Mind you, Lisa is interesting if we also have no freaking clue as to what she’s trying to say. She’s quite entertaining and easy on the eyes, but yeah she’s talking in Esperanza half the time. In other areas, the editing and pacing seems better than previous years too. As does the musical accompaniment. Speaking of which, music or not, every show on television has a beat, lust like a song does, a rhythm, and this show’s prevous dulled rhythm has jazzed up this season to a faster tempo. Again, a result of editing, pacing and other underlying elements. It feels more like it should.
As for individual observations …. Spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the show yet, it’s with no surprise that “comedian” Cory is gone. If she hadn’t said she was a comedian I would never have known it, for not only did she have no sense of humor, she didn’t crack a smile once. She had the greatest amount of television experience and yet froze while on camera. She supposedly cooked, but you couldn’t tell that either. Very very weird! All of this supposedly in the package and not a single bit of it evident anywhere.
As for the contestant geniuses who thought a meat loaf and (on another team) a pork tenderloin were each good choices to cook (forget about resting the meat for 15 minutes huh?) and plate within 30 minutes …. I want to know, where you sniffing the oven fumes when you came up with those? Seriously, do you come from a planet where they cook with phasers or via time dialations? Exactly how the hell did you think they would actually get remotely done? Mind you, the challenge was as said insane on the part of the judges and producers. But given those restrains, that criteria, that level of insanity, just why make it worse on yourselves???
Overall, entertaining, interesting to watch, good mix of people, better pulse to show. So how is this season’s NFNS going to fare?
Well, if it doesn’t strain credulity (not have excessively stupid competitions), if Flay becomes the anchor thus giving the consistency the show so sorely needs, if they put the food above the drama and let the drama fall where it may …. in short if they avoid the few bad things about the opener and continue with the good things in future episodes, this is going to be an excellent season. If on the other hand Flay is not there enough, if it feels like the show is flapping in the wind again, if the challenges include having the contestants swim in pirannha-infested waters while making a creme brulee (and various similiar crapola), this show could fall flat on it’s face in no time too.
In short, right now, you’ve got me interested. Right now, you’ve got me intrigued. At the same time for the reasons mentioned, you’ve got me a little annoyed. Which way it swings is up to you, Food Network. But for now, I’ll say, good start. See if you can hold my interest past another three episodes and you’ve got a sure-fire winner (that only took you four seasons to get there, but at least one can say you’ve gotten there.) But, this show is able to swing in either direction just as easily, and with both the good and bad elements basically evening things out against the other, I’ll have to give The Next Food Network Star — for now — based on this first episode — three stars out of five. That said, we’ll see how this does at the mid point and of course at the end.
: 5 stars : a sumptuous feast time and time again
: 4 stars : so good you want second helpings : 3 stars : a decent meal but it needs spice
: 2 stars : brown-bag lunch with stale bread
: 1 star : a TV dinner from the Sixties
: 0 stars : I’d rather have salmonella
• Feasting on Waves, a nautical successor to Alton Brown’s food travelogue, Feasting on Asphalt.
