©2008 Harry Kenney

Now, what was supposed to happen, was the folks at Food Network were supposed to release 10 video interviews that were then going to appear here on this site, two each day for the entire week so you could see and meet the contestants of the upcoming — Sunday night, in fact — Next Food Network Star (NFNS). You know, similiar to what we did with Top Chef, except that we had no problem with the Top Chef crew making things available, and so when we did it with Top Chef it was a great week-before send off. The kind NFSF wanted, but then dropped the ball completely on. Unlike Top Chef.

You see, I’m repeatedly saying “Top Chef” over and over again because that really irks the brass over at Food Network to no end. And since they’ve screwed up their promotion, their promises, totally disappeared for parts of last week and this week, didn’t returned emails (very unusual) and have even managed to un-viral a viral campaign, I figure they very much deserve to be as annoyed as they’ve made me. Oh yeah, did I happen to mention “Top Chef” at all?

So where was I? Ah, yes …. No idea what happened, except two folks there went on vacation, one stopped answering emails and another said he couldn’t send us anything because they weren’t sending him anything to disseminate. Ah, nice way to start things off, FN. In fact, speaking of screw ups. The Food Network has won the prize as being the first television network to release a video to You Tube that … ready for this? … couldn’t get 700 hits in over three weeks!

That’s right! My baby nephew could get more hits in a week vomiting on camera than the Food Network with big bucks being played. And why? Because some lunatic at Scripps made the video at da Tube unsharable!!!! ….. Well, duh, grandpa! Oh and not merely unsharable, also unrateable, unable to leave comments. These are all the things why it’s called a social network. It’s what puts the V in “viral”. Why be on YouTube at all? It’s the 21st century version of getting 10 million handouts made at the printer and then putting them in the trash upon delivery. It’s like taking out an ad in the telephone book and not giving an address nor a telephone number. We’re basically talking “Rain Man” here, and K-Mart is not the only thing that sucks.

So, yeah, to whatever geezer at Food Network said yeah, let’s do viral marketing, but take away the ability to go viral … congrats, pops. Go back to your Stone Age land line, rotary-dial phone and your black-and-white non-cable television with the rabbit ears on it and take a nice long nap. Cause whoever you are, you manged to not break a thousand, not even break 700 on freaking YouTube over the better part of a month!!! Trust me: That takes major skilllz! The same skills as running the wrong way for a touch down, but skills nonetheless. And hey, that’s monumental for a television network. Seriously this deserves … something. Dunno what …. a Golden Clog or a Darwin Award? Or maybe a certificate or special citation from Broadcast and Cable or Advertising Age in terms of sheer stupidity.

Now that I’ve sufficiently embarrassed some head honcho that should be put to pasture, let’s hope the actual food challenge show does better than the lame as hell Internet marketing. It would have to though wouldn’t it. Btw, I had to go through hell and back to get the video you see below. Yes the one below is essentially the same exact video on YouTube that has no traffic on it. And I did it all legally. And with the blessing of the folks at the Food Network. (See, I’m not mad at all of them. O contraire, it’s frustrating for me to see a lot of the marketing and publicity and other folks work their tails off and yet these other things keep happening. That’s how I know there has to be some kind of left hand slapping the right hand thing going on. It makes no sense other wise. The folks there doing their jobs are great. It’s obviously someone else who put on the brakes, overriding things and making the bad calls. And that’s the guy I’m mad at. Not the other folks.

Btw, do I actually know this is how it is? No. But I’ve been around the block a long time. I’ve worked for small companies and for multinationals. I know how things are and how life is. When I hear a band of the earth is going into night during the day for 15 minute periods across a meridian I do not have to look up to the sky and see it’s an eclipse. If supply is equal to demand in a certain commodity, and there’s no foreseeable future turmoil and suddenly the price goes up radically, I don’t have to be actually be there in some clandestine board room to know price-fixing is going on; you see, I have a brain. And when a company or a department in a company is doing something right, then suddenly everything stops, or goes in reverse or just plain suddenly goes stupid (and there’s been no change in personnel) then it’s some loony toon in upper management who can’t pee straight who’s decided to poke his or her nose into someone else’s urinal.

Anyways it took great lengths to get this vid and then get it into a web-based (but still unsharable, sorry) form. But at least one food site — this one — finally got it on their site. In fact, it took such great lengths. I’m not even making it a part of this justifiably complaining post. I’ll give it’s seat all by itself in another one. The way it deserves. Tomorrow.

{29 May 2008}